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| I thought i was doing i better. i really really thought i was. and today i completely proved myself wrong. today was hard and rough and it was even worse that i didn't have anyone to talk to about it. well, that's a lie. i just didn't want to talk about it, so instead i've got off almost all communication for the day and have been avoiding people and acting bitchy and then sad and then bitchy. i don't know. i just wish this were a little easier. i think summer will help, getting to see lots of people and go places and work and stay busy but not with school cuz that kind of busy just wears me out. i don't know. today hurt. and i miss you. | | |
| Roy Williams.........he's like the ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend, depending on who reads this, that you want so much to be happy for, but you're still insanely jealous when you see him or her being happy and doing well with their new person. but when things go wrong, all you wanna do is open your arms back up to him and say "it's okay roy. i forgive you. i'll take you back now" but then there are the times where you just want to tell him "i told you so"
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| Spring break was amazing. the best time i've ever had coming back home, which also made it the hardest to leave. I've never not wanted to come back so badly. I had some really nice talks with someone i care about a lot, someone i miss a lot. i'm still hurting with the situation, but i'm also much happier about it. if that makes any sense. I got to hang out with my best friends in the world who i love sooooo much, and who are amazing. i wouldn't trade them for anything or anyone. I got to see my family and hang out with them. as much as they can annoy me at times, i was reminded of how much i love them while i was home. it was just such a nice break to get away from petty drama here and just relax (even if i did work) and enjoy the cold weather, and the nice weather at times, and be semi-productive but not have to worry about school.........everything was just nice. i hope the next two months fly by. i can not wait to come back home. i miss it. tons. which is making the whole "do i transfer even if it'll cost me money and i'm getting paid to go to ASU?" situation a lot more difficult.
on the downside, i've never been more disgusted by the way more and more people are living their lives in Overland Park. Just snippets of conversations and seeing how people treat others and what has become important to far too many around there has been dissappointing. hearing 40-something soccer moms at the local starbucks gossipping about other moms and church members.....people never seem to escape this high school mentality of beating others up behind their backs. i see it with people i know that are my age and i've seen it with adults as well. hearing overly fake-baked dads talking about all their great spring break plans for cruises and golf trips and exotic locations, all while speaking in what is becoming a far too common country yet snobbish accent that could only come from johnson county....materialism is taking over there. grossly and unnecesarily large houses and schools have sprung up where there used to be fields and forests and wildlife and even the cows i used to play with. expensive sports cars and trophy wives and perfectly groomed kids.......home is so different in some ways. i wish it would stop before it becomes too much to bear. i love the memories i have and the people i know, but some parts of home are just too much. at least i can count on tim to keep it real with me!
but, whiny bitching aside, i can't express how amazing it was to be home. i love you guys and i miss you all so much. now some of you just need to come visit me!!!
abrazos-
me | | |
| all i can do is read the letters he used to write, the ones where he told me he would love me forever, the ones where he said nothing could change the way he feels about me, the ones where he said all he wanted was to grow old with me. I so just want to be over this. I want to be able to move on. and i can't. i hate that. i never can. i always get too attached for my own good. I need to learn when to put my guard up, like he did. i need to learn when to stop loving, just to turn it off. i just want it to not hurt. that's all. that's really all. | | |
| Hmm, it's been awhile....
I bought some gum the other day, and it came with a warning label "This is not a low-calorie food."
Were they expecting a stick of gum to be my lunch? Thank you Extra gum, you just saved me from inadvertently turning to anorexia???
Not too much is new here. I'm just ready to come home. I should hear from KU in a few weeks. We'll see what happens with that. I've felt like a disappointment this semester, to everyone. My family, friends, teachers...some of it i understand: i've been letting things slide because i know i can. I've been settling for just getting by where normally i wouldn't. Some of it i don't understand in the least bit. I feel kinda stuck...i'm not really upset but i'm not really that happy. I've always done a good job of pretending though. I don't know how to get myself out of this...i think maybe i should start playing soccer again, exercise, be healthy. I think that would do me some good. I think mostly i'm just in a funk because of finals, because of being worn down. Winter break should be good for me. i'll actually have time to read the books i want, to see my friends, my family, the boy. There better be snow or i'm holding all of you in kansas responible. i'll hold back on telling you how gorgeous it is here...jeje.
much love to you all. i'll be back home soon! and i'll be twenty soon after that!!
(so will nat! on the 11th!!!!!)
Abrazos-
Stacey | | |
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